My worst fear was that I would come home and would somehow stop progressing. I had learned and grown so much, I assumed that I couldn't possibly continue at the rate I had on my mission. I prayed to God that He would help me to learn and progress and to change into the person He wanted me to become. What does that sound like? Without realizing what I was asking, in a sense, I was echoing the words of President Kimball when he said, "Lord, give me this mountain to climb."
No doubt, I have been abundantly blessed since returning home from my mission. The Lord has literally dumped blessings on me that helped me to get on my feet once the tag came off. However, I think I can safely say that it has been one of the most trying periods of my life.
While on my mission, my family experienced some serious trials. I was blessed on my mission to focus on the work, but coming home and finding out the extent of the situation staggered me a bit. As the months ticked by after being home, the situation began to worsen. I couldn't believe some of the things could be happening as our family had always been faithful and righteous. While the situation intensified, I also was surprised to find myself at the end of a dating relationship. We've all been there. With all that was happening, I threw all of my energy into training for a half marathon.
It felt so good to get out and let out some of my worries. I trained harder and faster than I ever had before. I was on top of my game, and I felt that I had things more under control. One day about three weeks before the race, I went on a longer run. Nothing too strenuous. However, shortly after the run, I started feeling a searing pain in the arch of my right foot. After several days of hobbling around, I decided to see a doctor. Sure enough, I had trained too hard, and had fractured my foot. Against the doctor's advice, I continued to plan ahead for my race. After all, the Lord knew how much it meant to me, He would help me run it, right? But after several days of wearing a boot (which my friend lovingly pointed out to me looks like a sandal version of a "Shape-Up" - every woman's dream) and getting a loving, but direct lecture from my earthly father, I backed-out of my race. I was bummed, but looked forward to what the Lord had next in store for me.
I found out later that week of another change in my course. Even before my mission, I had plans to attend BYU and enter into a specific competitive program. I had been experiencing second thoughts for a couple months, but continued with my plans since it had been what I had planned on doing for the last several years. A blow to my ego came when I found out that I didn't have all the credentials needed for the program. My second thoughts were confirmed, and for a moment I felt about as lost as a freshman starting from day one.
Around the same time I received this same news, I was slammed with an unfavorable army of stupid pathogens. It came with no mercy, and didn't leave me for weeks! On one particular sick day I lay helpless on the bathroom floor with only the support of the bathtub rim to prop up my face. I somehow managed to stagger through the hall, vision fading in and out, and fell in a heap on my bed. It was there I began to wonder if under the many blankets and pillows if perhaps I was invisible to God. How could all of these things be converging on me at the same time? All I wanted to do was to do the right thing, and I felt that everything was against me for this. I had just served with all my might on my mission, and this is what happened upon my return. Somehow, I was able to manage sitting at my desk a few hours a day at work. I visualized myself, and had to laugh at the pathetic prospect of me limping through the halls, boot on the right foot, constant tissues in my hand, nose red and peeling, and muttering the occasional "Hello" to those I was only sure wouldn't mistake my baritone for Tom Brokaw. As the sickness persisted, I felt more and more discouraged.
My parents were good enough on one of these particularly trying days to pay me a special visit at my apartment. My dad gave me a blessing, and it really opened my eyes to what my Heavenly Father saw me as - HIS DAUGHTER. Hello. Somehow, in all of this I had lost vision of who I really am in relation to God. The most powerful being in the universe. And because of that and because He loves me, I was having an Ether 12:27 moment. I remembered my desire to progress like I did as a missionary, and my heart softened and I was able to humble myself before the Lord. Now I can see the Lord in His wisdom guiding my paths. He has always been there to help me become what He intends for me to become...both on and off the mission. Nothing there has changed. President Uchtdorf in the April 2014 conference mentioned that we often associate hardships with "endings", but that is NEVER the Lord's intention. He only wants to bless us, but sometimes that requires a redirection of our paths to ensure that ultimate happiness.
Just like on my mission, I have full faith that the Lord is aware of each of us and what we need. Coming home from the mission hasn't been easy, but I know that it has also been a blessing. I know that my family will be okay. I know that my foot will heal. I am excited with the direction my new major will take me (even fulfilling more desires than the previous plan!). And even though I am single, I have been able to recognize just how blessed I am to have the best friends and family I could ask for. And I have been blessed with many opportunities to share the gospel with others. I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father that loves us enough to continually allow things to happen to us that will eventually land us where we need to be. I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ which encompasses everything we lack and don't understand. The gospel is perfect, and so is God's will. Nothing will ever convince me otherwise, and I know this is true for every person who has, does, and ever will live. The Lord loves His children, and will always see to our eternal happiness.
No comments:
Post a Comment