Woman of Worth

Well, college life.  I’ll be honest, it was kind of weird coming back after such a long time.  I was a bit stressed the first couple of weeks, but I can say that I’m now in the swing of things and I love school.  I have been SO blessed with roommates.  I was randomly placed with them, so obviously I was a bit nervous as to who they would be.  BUT! They are just what I needed, they are fun, caring, righteous, and not to mention CLEAN! Ha, love it.  I have a fabulous internship at an office that I am in love with!  I am helping people each day, and educating them on something that is dear to my heart.  I am busy, and feel like I’m going crazy all day and then only have a few minutes to sit down and relax.  But, being the RM I am, I have made sure to have scripture study every day.  I can proudly say that I haven’t missed a day since school has started.  It has been one of the biggest blessings in my life, along with journaling my thoughts and feelings about my study.  

What follows is the story that is going to tell you WHY!

So, I think the majority of RMs can agree that you are a bit socially awkward when you get home from your mission.  You are overly attentive, you ask inspired questions still, and only want to talk about the gospel.  Sound familiar?  Yeah, well story of my life, and I’ve been home almost nine months!  Anyway, to say the least it has been a bit hard for me to get back into the social scene.  The majority of my friends are either graduated, married or on missions (but they are all starting to come home! yeah! Go sister missionaries!).  There aren’t a whole bunch up here at USU.  My roommates have a group of friends that already knew each other really well, and were all buds…so it was hard for me to kind of jump in the middle of all that and be buds with them too.  So, darn.  Things have been a bit hard.  You know those moments when you walk into a house, and everyone says hi to those around you, but not to you.  Or someone says something and everyone laughs because It’s an inside joke, and you don’t get it at all.  Awkward.  

So…these are kind of the thoughts and feelings that have been going through my head.  Am I important?  Am I worth getting to know or being friends with?  Why is it so hard to be who you are without being afraid of others judging you?  ETC!  These feelings brought me back to a time on my mission in my first area.  I went to Ecuador, and obviously I didn’t know Spanish at the beginning.  People were nice, and some tried to talk to me and be kind, but they mostly just talked to my companion, and didn’t really acknowledge me.  I felt TERRIBLE.  I am a real sensitive person, and I felt like me being there meant nothing, like what I was contributing to the work meant nothing.  Satan was really working at me, and slowly conquering me.  I couldn’t talk to my companion, because she was Latin and there was a major language barrier.  The only person I really had was the Lord.  I knew he understood me, no matter how bad my Spanish was.  As I constantly spoke with him each morning and night, and many times throughout the day, He became my friend.  I trusted him with my feelings, with my doubts.  He was the only person I could rely on.  He helped me see what I had to offer to the people of Ecuador.  He helped me remember that I was STRONG, that I was GOOD.  He helped me remember that I was someone of WORTH, someone to be RECOGNIZED and to be LOVED.  I realized that the only opinion that really matters to me is God’s.  During this process and the time after, my attitude totally changed. I found that it was easier to love people and to be kind to them, because I knew they had their personal struggles, and though I probably couldn't fully understand, God did, and I was representing him and his Son.  It became easier for me to talk to people and not care what they thought about my Spanish, I was just me..and I found out that people loved that.  

These past few weeks I have been reminded of this experience, and was trying to apply this same attitude to my life, but it was hard.  I was doing my daily scripture study, and like the classic story goes, I came upon a verse that was much needed at that time.  Luke 12:7, “But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.”  This scripture spoke to my soul!  It reminded me that I should never, ever fear! There are so many superficial and temporal things that I worry about, but what I should really concern my time with is my relationship with the Lord, what HE thinks of me.  As I do that, just as I have learned another time before, I am someone of WORTH.  Someone of great, great VALUE.

I know without a doubt that God loves us.  It is actually an amazing concept: he, being a perfect person, loves us, mortal beings, with all our imperfections.  He sees our potential, he sees what we have to offer, the greatest barrier in life for us, is seeing ourselves the way he sees us.  Life can be hard, and we can feel very insignificant, but I know that through prayerful daily scripture study, we can get a glimpse of how he speaks to us, how he lets us know that we are remembered, that we can improve, and that we can hope through the atonement to let it make us better. 

I am His Daughter: Nicole Sheahan

The photos in the magazines

Don't dictate who I'm supposed to be

The world can't recognize, all that I am inside

But I know in His eyes, I am a part of, the bigger picture,

There's so much more to me

He helps me see that I have so much to offer

I am His daughter

He loves me the way I am,

He's my strength when I stand

He is my King, and my Father,

I am His daughter.

The people on the TV screen,

The leaders, rulers, and queens

I watch them shape the world,

And though I'm just a girl, I still know for sure,

That I am a part of, the bigger picture

There's so much more to me

He helps me see that I have so much to offer

I am His daughter

He loves me the way I am,

He's my strength when I stand

He is my King, and my Father,

I am His daughter

And when I'm feeling small,

And wondering if I'll ever, find courage to stand tall

Through His love I remember

There's so much more to me

He helps me to see that I have so much to offer

I am His daughter

He loves me the way I am

He's my strength when I stand

He is my King, and my Father,

I am His daughter  

  

Post-mission life is to be enjoyed!

Life is to be enjoyed!
I came home the last week of April from serving a mission in Quito, Ecuador. I got set apart on a Saturday afternoon by President Paulsen of the Kingwood Texas Stake and I remember thinking, "Wait that's it?! I feel the same." Haha well it is true--the power remains for all those that live worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost. I never thought of it that way though. But, how motivating is that? We are all entitled to POWER from on high if what we see, hear, say, and think is congruent with the standards of the Lord. And we keep our covenants. That may seem like a lot, but it really is simple. Sometimes we make things complicated (or at least I do). There are two options. Choose God or choose anyone or anything else. And choosing God means ultimately choosing lasting peace and well, exaltation. I definitely want that. Following my setting apart, I get home and I feel this great big wave of exhaustion just kind of smash into me. Emotional, physical, and spiritual exhaustion. I slept a goodly amount the first couple weeks of being home. And read some good books. I definitely needed rest. And lots of it. After a few weeks of visiting and doing the basics (eating, sleeping, exercising, and reading scriptures) I started to feel better. What is truly incredible is about 3 days after being home I laid hands upon about 4 books that have changed the course of my life.

I can say with certainty that the Lord is aware of our needs. Of MY needs. He knows what I need to do and experience in order to fulfill the mission He has for me here on the earth. How incredible it is to know that we each have specific and unique talents and a specific mission that we are to accomplish here and now. My friend Ryan Miller recommended I read a powerful talk when I was deciding to serve a mission. The talk is called "What is Your Mission?" by John H. Groberg. After reading this talk it was confirmed to be yet again that serving a full-time mission was a part of my mission here on Earth. As I came home I wondered what is next. On my mission I hadn't thought much about the future but from time to time I was presented with ideas as to my future spouse, children, and career--which motivated me all the more. But, what now? It was clear the Lord wanted me to work on myself the moment I got home. Work on healing myself. Becoming whole. One of the books I found and read is called, "Healing the Inner Child" by Charles L. Whitfield. I signed up for classes at BYU for the Summer term and began doing random jobs to save up money. I found myself a few times just balling. In my past I have had the tendency to simply work away my troubles. Something's hard? Go to work. Is it still hard? Work harder. Is it still hard? You must be doing something wrong. Obviously, this pattern of thinking is not very healthy. I discovered a number of emotions that had simply been stuffed under the "hard work." Wow, He really wanted me to uncover and heal my own wounds. Life is full of lots of surprises. Especially when you come home from a mission :).

Why does it matter though? If we get by "just fine" living the way we are? Well, I became extremely motivated as I thought about my future family. If I am not whole myself, I in no way can offer what my husband and children need. Do they not deserve me in my entirety? And what's sad is most of the time we are completely unaware of our broken-ness. There are many parents who look to their children to get their needs met (to be made whole), or wives who want to feel complete from their spouses or husbands from their wives, etc. It's sad. But most of us live in ignorance to these things--deep down in the subconscious.

I want to be whole. It's my responsibility to be whole independently (or with the help of the Savior). It's a painful process. Healing involves humility, trust, and suffering, but the result is more than worth it.

An amazing BYU devotional that has really helped me understand this process is called:
"Healing = Courage + Action + Grace" by Jonathan G. Sandberg


Time flies. I have been home more than three months now. I loved serving a mission. Mostly, I loved testifying of the restored truths, and inviting everyone to learn of them. Truths are constant and never change. When we live them we are happy. There is so much to learn and live..now!
Also, I am so grateful for the knowledge I gained from reading the scriptures and really studying the doctrine of Jesus Christ. It's not something that comes over night. I experienced a lot of challenging times on my mission. Sometimes I wondered how much more I could do. But I know that to become as the Savior and become one with Him, we must at least taste a small part of the suffering He endured.

With that I'll add, Suffering + Faith = Conversion. How marvelous it is to have difficulties in our lives! These are what propel us to change and become who we are destined to become.
Here is a picture of me at the Quayaquil temple at the end of my mission.

Until next time. Life is to be enjoyed!

Sarah

So blessed.

Coming home as a returned missionary was the best thing ever. Happiest thing of my life. I am so happy. Really. SO HAPPY. Life is so beautiful. God is so good.

Here's why:
1. Being with people who know and love me. I took time to relax and just enjoy being with people who I love. Hiking with dad. Shopping with mom. Lunch with sister. Adventures with brother. Tea party with niece! And so much love and deep friendship with my dear friends. That is heaven. I came home to heaven.

2. Talking with friends from the mission!!! The mission didn't end when I left Bulgaria! Thank goodness for Skype and Facebook, because I am now able to talk with my friends in Bulgaria MORE OFTEN than I could while living there. While I was a missionary I had so many lists to accomplish and things to do, I didn't have time to call converts and friends from past cities. But now I can! Every morning being home, I'd get on Skype and talk to my friends. I still make sure they know I love them, and I still pray for them, and they still bring so much light and inspiration to my life.

3. I get to be ME. I can skip. I can laugh. Really loud. I can dance. I can smile without being afraid of flirting. I can climb. I can talk to boys! I can paint. I get to develop my God-given talents and enjoy all the blessings under heaven. I am free.

4. God loves me. He really does. Even though coming home was sometimes a mess of sad and scary, I felt God's guidance and sweet assurance that it was right. It was time for me to go. I had done my work. He is proud of me. He loves me. He has work for me to do at home. He will help me. And He truly does. God does not stop leading us when the name tag comes off. He still answers prayers, sends miracles, and loves me every single day. And now that there is less stress in my life, I think I can feel His love even stronger.

5. I get to attend the TEMPLE!!! In Bulgaria we didn't get to go to the temple at all. But now I can! I love going to the temple. I am so blessed and grateful to be able to go now. And do work for my own family names. I'm still a missionary, just helping on the other side of the veil.

Happiness is a choice. When you come home, there will be problems and life still won't be perfect. But it is so beautiful. See the beauty. Fill your life with beautiful things. The world was created full of beautiful things just to bring you joy and delight, so take advantage of it and enjoy all the wonders under the sun. Keep your life centered on the most important things like your relationship with God and others. And you will be just fine. In fact, you'll be radiant. :)

See how happy I am. :)

4 Feet > 12 Feet

Back in high school, I had a fantastic school counselor who guided me through all of the post-high school decisions - where to go, what to do, all of those fun things. She encouraged me to apply for a particular scholarship at a university that would be a full ride. I followed her advice as she was fairly confident I could be the recipient for that scholarship from my school. Well, as heaven knows best, I did not receive the scholarship, but instead it went to one of my good friends who was more qualified.

Unsure at this point what I was going to do to pay for school, my parents told me a true story that has since influenced my life in a lot of circumstances. A company of pioneers were headed for Zion when they were informed that an armed group of men were pursuing them with the orders to exterminate the Mormon Pioneers. Helpless and frightened, the pioneers pleaded with the Lord to send 12 ft of snow to stop the mob from catching up with their company. And snow God did send, but only 4 ft instead of 12. However, even though this amount of snow was not what the saints had prayed for, it was enough to stop the mob from catching up with the company. Because of this, the pioneers were able to make it safely to Utah.

Upon my parents telling me this story, I found out that I had received two scholarships unexpectedly that took care of my expenses for 2 years. My initial plan was 12 ft, but the Lord gave me 4 ft and it was enough. In fact it was perfect. I didn't know when I was banking on that scholarship all that the Lord had in store for my future education. Now I am at a completely different school, and I can see how perfect the Lord's plan for me was.

I learned this lesson big time on my mission as well in a different experience. Elder Maynes of the Seventy visited our mission, and encouraged us to set a goal of how many people we wanted to see baptized on our missions. As a new missionary, I knelt down to council with God what a good goal would be. I felt that 12 was a good goal (12 feet?), and I stuck with that number stubbornly for the entirety of my mission. However, even though I worked hard and tried my best to be obedient, I saw very little outward "success" so to speak. My first baptism happened just under my year mark. It was nothing short of a miracle, and I am grateful for that sacred experience as I learned the sacredness and importance of the saving ordinances. I had served in that particular area for 9 months, and shortly after this baptism was transferred to open another area to serve in two wards: A family ward that included the Vancouver Temple in it's boundaries, and a YSA branch. I was stoked for the change, and felt like it was going to be a miracle six months filled with at least 11 baptisms.

My hope was being realized as we were finding many promising people in the YSA branch and working well with the members there. My companion and I found out about half way through the transfer that the following transfer, our area would be split so that each unit could have a set of sisters. Our companionship would probably be split as well into the the two units. I was certain that the Lord would keep me in the YSA branch because, after all, He helped me set my goal of 12 baptisms, and my trainee companion would be well taken of by the members in the family ward.

The transfer call came, and we were confused to find out that my companion would be with the YSA, and I would stay in the family ward. We had struggled that whole transfer to work with the ward and finding people to teach. I felt like in that moment, that my chances of meeting my goal had shrunk considerably. I let myself feel crushed for a few days as I began to question after I had worked so hard why I wasn't able to bring more people into the gospel.

A few days later, I had the opportunity to speak with my mission president about my concerns. He listened to me patiently as I asked what more I could be doing. He then said something to me that I will never forget. He said, "Sister Davidson, don't you think it's more important that you learn about the Plan of Salvation vs how to set a baptismal goal?" In essence he was telling me that I had been so focused on my goal, that I had looked passed all that I had learned about the gospel. He then suggested that I adjust my goal to 4 in the remaining 4 months I had of my mission (4 feet?) I agreed, rolled up my sleeves and went to work.

I wish I could paint in your mind all of the incredible miracles I saw in the last four months of my mission. My faith grew substantially as I worked and saw the hearts of the members in the ward change, and we were finding more people to teach than ever before. In two weeks we saw three of our friends baptized, and we were running to keep up with all of the work. It was nothing short of a miracle, and I know it was all according to God's plan. As of right now, that goal of 12 has been well exceeded, all thanks be to God who led us to some amazing people.

In Alma 26:22, we are promised that those who "repenteth, exerciseth faith, and bringeth for good works and prayeth continually without ceasing unto such it is given to know the mysteries of God.... and it shall be given unto such to bring thousands of souls to repentance." My eyes were opened to the truthfulness of this scripture, and by the end of my mission, I could see this reality. God always intends to keep His promises, but sometimes that 12 ft can't happen all at once.

A few weeks ago, I was able to return to my mission, and again my eyes were opened to the truthfulness of this scripture. I was amazed to see the people I had been directed to find had since been baptized, and my testimony that God has a unique plan and path for each of us was strengthened. I look back on those few days of confusion when I realized that maybe my 12 ft wasn't the Lord's 4 ft, and I am so grateful. I have since seen how 4 ft is often more than 12. If I had reached a goal of twelve easily, I probably would have focused more on numbers than the individuals backing those numbers. I wouldn't have worked so hard, and I wouldn't have learned the importance of loving everyone I came in contact with. I am grateful how the Lord taught me to set goals, work hard, and in the end let Him bless me in the way that He knows is best.

Now, as a returned missionary, I still am learning the wisdom from "12ft vs 4ft." I have felt the Spirit continually to guiding me through twists and turns I never foresaw. I am learning to trust in 4 ft even when conflicting voices tell me that can't stop a mob. I am learning to trust Him even when things don't make sense. I know that the Lord knows what He is doing and he really will direct our paths as random and squiggly as they may seem to us right now. He has a plan, and it is always enough. His 4 ft is always greater than our 12.

She LOVED life, and it LOVED her right back.

As I was coming home from my mission, I had my life planned out perfectly.  I was going to get married that same year, I was going to graduate from school the following spring, I was going to be the best member missionary EVER, my life would be perfect, and that was that.

As you can all probably anticipate, things didn't go as planned.  I ended a marriage-bound relationship, my family started having way too many trials and challenges, I started working two jobs with no time to help the missionaries or even visit others, to put it simply; things were just a mess.  I found myself being sad, always thinking about my mission, wanting to go back to the "simpler" times when I only thought of others and not myself.   I started the classic questioning of, "why me?"  "why now?"  "what did I do wrong?"  I started to question, and I started to doubt.

One day I was scrolling through Instagram (guilty!) and I saw a post that really struck me.  It said:

                                           

"She loved life, and it loved her right back."

Love it.  Want to know why?  Well, we can break this phrase into two parts.  First: she loved life.  Second: it loved her right back.  I finally realized that I wasn't doing my part in loving my life, loving my circumstances, and still finding the good.  I was busy complaining and questioning when I should have been asking, "what can I learn from this?" or "what can I do to help those around me?"  I feel like we always hear talks about trials and what we should do, but it sure is hard to apply what they say during those tough times.  Life is hard, period.  We were sent here to be tested and tried.  But from all that testing and trying there comes a refined, more humbled, more Christ-like person. We must LOVE life, and love it unconditionally!  Then, like the second part says, life will start loving us back.  We will find the good, we will have joy!  This is the perspective the gospel gives us.  We know that all that is wrong can be made right through the atonement.  We know that we can rise above our circumstances and be better because of them.  We know that there is always good to come, no matter how dark and gloomy the future may see.

From that moment on, I have decided to change my attitude, and my perspective.  Though the trials I face are still the same, I know for a fact that I can get through them.  It is just another stepping stone on my path to conversion and to becoming better.  So, if that's the case.  Bring it on!!  Life truly is beautiful, and SO worth living.

Here is some awesome advice from Elder Busche (my friend's grandpa, woot woot!) that will help ANYONE and EVERYONE.

"Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks.  The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you.

 When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God.

In your life there have to be challenges.  They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you.  But you make the decision of which road you take. 

First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God.  If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness.  Don’t permit anything to detract you from this awareness. 

You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness, to become acceptable for the Light of Christ. 

Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope.  Light will flow into your soul. 

Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane.  In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for him by diligently serving in his Church. 

God knows that you are not perfect.  As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve.

God knows better than you what you need.  He always attempts to speak to you.  Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us—everything will fall into its place.

Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin. 

When you cannot love someone, look into that person’s eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him.

Never judge anyone.  When you accept this, you will be freed.  In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge, help them to become their own judges.

If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again.

 Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts.  If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm.  On the road toward salvation, let questions arise but never doubts.  If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts. 

Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words.  Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet.  Be aware of that as you enter places of worship. 

Be not so much concerned about what you do, but do what you do with all your heart, might, and strength.  In thoroughness is satisfaction. 

You want to be good and to do good.  That is commendable.  But the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost.  Then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do. 

The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment.  It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it.

Be grateful for every opportunity to serve.  It helps you more than those you serve. 

When you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now.  But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better."

Trials Come in Threes....or Fives. But so do the Good Things.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing that I am as old as I am. That really is a dumb thing to say considering I am only 23-years-old. However, these were the thoughts that were flooding my mind as I stood above the escalators at the airport the day I came home from my mission. How on earth did I get there? And how on earth did time fly so fast? How could this well-anticipated year and a half of my life be over? The time I spent in the Canada Vancouver Mission was the pinnacle of my life so far, and I dreaded that it was over.

My worst fear was that I would come home and would somehow stop progressing. I had learned and grown so much, I assumed that I couldn't possibly continue at the rate I had on my mission. I prayed to God that He would help me to learn and progress and to change into the person He wanted me to become. What does that sound like? Without realizing what I was asking, in a sense, I was echoing the words of President Kimball when he said, "Lord, give me this mountain to climb."

No doubt, I have been abundantly blessed since returning home from my mission. The Lord has literally dumped blessings on me that helped me to get on my feet once the tag came off. However, I think I can safely say that it has been one of the most trying periods of my life.

While on my mission, my family experienced some serious trials. I was blessed on my mission to focus on the work, but coming home and finding out the extent of the situation staggered me a bit. As the months ticked by after being home, the situation began to worsen. I couldn't believe some of the things could be happening as our family had always been faithful and righteous. While the situation intensified, I also was surprised to find myself at the end of a dating relationship. We've all been there. With all that was happening, I threw all of my energy into training for a half marathon.

It felt so good to get out and let out some of my worries. I trained harder and faster than I ever had before. I was on top of my game, and I felt that I had things more under control. One day about three weeks before the race, I went on a longer run. Nothing too strenuous. However, shortly after the run, I started feeling a searing pain in the arch of my right foot. After several days of hobbling around, I decided to see a doctor. Sure enough, I had trained too hard, and had fractured my foot. Against the doctor's advice, I continued to plan ahead for my race. After all, the Lord knew how much it meant to me, He would help me run it, right? But after several days of wearing a boot (which my friend lovingly pointed out to me looks like a sandal version of a "Shape-Up" - every woman's dream) and getting a loving, but direct lecture from my earthly father, I backed-out of my race. I was bummed, but looked forward to what the Lord had next in store for me.

I found out later that week of another change in my course. Even before my mission, I had plans to attend BYU and enter into a specific competitive program. I had been experiencing second thoughts for a couple months, but continued with my plans since it had been what I had planned on doing for the last several years. A blow to my ego came when I found out that I didn't have all the credentials needed for the program. My second thoughts were confirmed, and for a moment I felt about as lost as a freshman starting from day one.

Around the same time I received this same news, I was slammed with an unfavorable army of stupid pathogens. It came with no mercy, and didn't leave me for weeks! On one particular sick day I lay helpless on the bathroom floor with only the support of the bathtub rim to prop up my face. I somehow managed to stagger through the hall, vision fading in and out, and fell in a heap on my bed. It was there I began to wonder if under the many blankets and pillows if perhaps I was invisible to God. How could all of these things be converging on me at the same time? All I wanted to do was to do the right thing, and I felt that everything was against me for this. I had just served with all my might on my mission, and this is what happened upon my return. Somehow, I was able to manage sitting at my desk a few hours a day at work. I visualized myself, and had to laugh at the pathetic prospect of me limping through the halls, boot on the right foot, constant tissues in my hand, nose red and peeling, and muttering the occasional "Hello" to those I was only sure wouldn't mistake my baritone for Tom Brokaw. As the sickness persisted, I felt more and more discouraged.

My parents were good enough on one of these particularly trying days to pay me a special visit at my apartment. My dad gave me a blessing, and it really opened my eyes to what my Heavenly Father saw me as - HIS DAUGHTER. Hello. Somehow, in all of this I had lost vision of who I really am in relation to God. The most powerful being in the universe. And because of that and because He loves me, I was having an Ether 12:27 moment. I remembered my desire to progress like I did as a missionary, and my heart softened and I was able to humble myself before the Lord. Now I can see the Lord in His wisdom guiding my paths. He has always been there to help me become what He intends for me to become...both on and off the mission. Nothing there has changed. President Uchtdorf in the April 2014 conference mentioned that we often associate hardships with "endings", but that is NEVER the Lord's intention. He only wants to bless us, but sometimes that requires a redirection of our paths to ensure that ultimate happiness.

Just like on my mission, I have full faith that the Lord is aware of each of us and what we need. Coming home from the mission hasn't been easy, but I know that it has also been a blessing. I know that my family will be okay. I know that my foot will heal. I am excited with the direction my new major will take me (even fulfilling more desires than the previous plan!). And even though I am single, I have been able to recognize just how blessed I am to have the best friends and family I could ask for. And I have been blessed with many opportunities to share the gospel with others. I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father that loves us enough to continually allow things to happen to us that will eventually land us where we need to be. I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ which encompasses everything we lack and don't understand. The gospel is perfect, and so is God's will. Nothing will ever convince me otherwise, and I know this is true for every person who has, does, and ever will live. The Lord loves His children, and will always see to our eternal happiness.

The Not-so-Cookie-Cutter Mission

It's normal to plan out our lives in a cookie cutter way, go on a mission, come home and marry, have kids and be happy. If your plans don't work out, it doesn't mean they weren't good plans, it just means that God has something different in mind.

When I left on my mission to Quito, Ecuador in July 2012, I had the plan to work my hardest and make every second count, as most new missionaries do. It was rough, and sometimes I wasn't the missionary I wished I was, but I did love the work. About six months after arriving in Ecuador, I got sick and found out I had parasites (a bug that you would find in food that isn't so clean). This was a NORMAL thing for a missionary in Quito. I just took this weird pill they called the "Bomba" and I felt better after a week. A few months later I got sick again and they once again gave me my favorite "Bomba" pill. I guess the effects of this pill started to take a toll on my body. My immune system was really low and I kept getting infection after infection. Eye infection, urine infection, bladder infection, you name it. Eventually, President made me companions with the nurse (Jalynn already mentioned how Hermana Holbrook is the best...I concur). Still, the doctors were thinking I had parasites so I took some more of these pills. I started getting migraines and my body stopped handling food. It was then decided that I needed a colonoscopy, which, following that, I spent a week in the hospital. I lost a lot of weight and as much as I wanted to stay, I got a call from President Ghent during personal study one morning. He said, "I'm sorry Sister Harris, but you need to go home. I already informed your family and you flight leaves at 11pm".

This was not what I planned. I had planned perfectly how my life would go and this seemed to ruin it all. I had 11 months on the mission and I wanted to stay. There was so much to do, so many people to help and so many things to learn! You can imagine my thoughts. First, I searched for what I must have done wrong. I beat myself up for every time I had slept past 6:30 or missed my morning exercises. I thought I must have disappointed God in some way and he no longer wanted me to teach. Second, I thought about the real world and how on earth I could face it. I wasn't ready to go home and third, I worried what my family would think or if they would still think of me as the missionary they were proud of. Obviously...I was listening to the wrong influence. The adversary was putting these thoughts in my head.

The first week being home was not what I expected it would be. When the Stake President told me to take my tag off, I couldn't believe what was happening. As I walked out of his office, sad as could be, I ran into three sister missionaries who apparently teach in Spanish. I became their new unofficial companion. I went with them all the time in between super fun doctor's appointments. I know God put them in my path. He loved me, and I tried to remember that. He had a reason for me to be home whether I know it, don't know it, or never know it.
 

The hardest part of coming home early was that people wanted to talk more about why I came home, than to talk about how much I loved my mission. The focus was not on those 11 months of wonderful experiences but on the week of me in the hospital. I made it a goal to, along with telling people about my health improving, I would share an experience I had as a missionary in Ecuador.

I'm an RM. I was sent home early, but that doesn't change the fact that my experience as a missionary changed my life for the better. I LOVED MY MISSION!

Return With Honor

Coming home from a mission is an interesting experience for everyone.  There are so many mixed emotions, and we all have the fear of what awaits.  But, what was even more interesting for me personally, were the experiences that lead up to my coming home.

One month before my assigned homecoming date my companion, Sister Sandoval, and I were getting ready for church and planning on picking up our investigators.  I felt TERRIBLE that day.  I was on my period and normally have bad cramps so I thought nothing of it.  I said a prayer, sucked it up, and went out to find our investigators!  We arrived at church and I began to play prelude before the meeting started.  The pain got worse and worse, and I felt so ill.  After ten minutes or so I felt so sick and knew I was going to throw up.  I grabbed my companion and booked it out of the chapel and made it to the parking lot before the throwing up started.  I felt so terrible and there was a pain in my stomach that was indescribable.  After throwing up I made it to the bathroom in the church.  All the cute members were so concerned and so caring, they made me herbal teas trying to make me feel better as I was lying on the floor.  I just cried and cried because nothing was working.  I told my companion that we just needed to go home so I could rest, but luckily a wise and in-tune mission leader said we had to get to the hospital.

As we were driving to the hospital, a very special thought came to my mind.  It was, "I understand."  Something very simple, but very reassuring.  I knew right then and there that my Savior understood exactly what I was feeling, because he suffered for my physical pains.  It was an opportunity for me to experience the Atonement on a more physical side, and to have the surety that someone understood.

We got to the hospital, I tried to remember Spanish as I fought through the pain.  The doctor got me into a bed and got some medicine in me to help numb the pain.  The cute missionary nurse, Sister (Megan) Holbrook, was the best thing that ever happened to me at that time.  She kept me laughing and kept me happy as we waited for the doctors to figure out what was wrong with me.

After much testing, a few ultra sounds, etc.  They told me that over my life I had been accumulating blood on the outside of my right ovary.  It had turned into a cyst, the size of a grapefruit, and that cyst had, as I like to say, EXPLODED inside of me.  There was over a gallon of blood in my abdominal cavity and I was in need of an emergency surgery.  First off, I have never had surgery in my life!  The worst thing that has ever happened to me was stitches when I was 5.  Needless to say I was TERRIFIED!  The doctors still weren't sure if they would have to remove my ovary, or if my left ovary had problems, there were so many unknowns.  I felt scared, I felt so unsure.  I regret this now but I got to call my poor parents and all I said was "Daddy I'm scared."  Later my parents told me that they had never felt so helpless.  This was out of their hands because they were thousands of miles away, and they too had to trust in the Lord.  My Mission President, President Ghent, was called and he immediately came over.  He walked into the room, didn't say a word, and just came and grabbed my hand.  It was the most comforting, most fatherly thing he could have done.  He gave me a special blessing and gave me the surety and faith that all would turn out well and that I would heal properly.  After he gave me the blessing, fear ceased and I was ready to trust in the Lord completely.

Surgery went great, I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days with tubes in my stomach to drain the blood.  Sister Holbrook and I worked it!  We contacted all the nurses and doctors, after all we were still missionaries!  The doctors who performed my surgery told me that I still needed to receive treatment, and needed to start immediately.  The question then came up, can I wait three weeks until I go home to start?  The decision wasn't up to me, but to my parents and President Ghent.  I thought I would be able to stick it out the three weeks and then return home at my planned date.  A week passed after my recovery and I was called into President Ghent's office.  He gave me the news that I was going home that Wednesday.  At first my heart just sunk.  There was still work to be done!  I had just gotten to a new area and my companion and I were finding all these new people!  I couldn't leave!  It wasn't my time!  As I sat in shock and sadness for a bit, I finally came to the realization that my Mission President was a servant of the Lord (DUH!), and that if he said that I had served faithfully and done what the Lord expected of me, then I could go home with honor.

This experience was the "crowning moment" of my mission, as my Stake President would say.  Looking back I can't imagine ending any other way.  I learned SO many things.  First, as I mentioned before, the atonement is SO real.  I got to experience it in a more physical way.  My suffering was NOTHING compared to the Savior's, but suffering through that pain made me think, WOW!  He suffered this x 1 billion and did it because he loves me and loves us ALL!  I also learned to trust in the Lord.  In most situations of life, we can't control what will happen, it can be so frustrating!  But when we keep an eternal perspective, and have full and complete trust in God, we can be assured that whatever happens is for our perfecting and for our betterment.

Coming home was great.  I remember that it didn't really hit me until I was on my flight from Atlanta to Utah and some guy in front of me started talking to me.  He had also served a mission and it was fun to reminisce.  As we landed and he walked away he said "Welcome Home."  My heck!  I wasn't home!  Ecuador was my home!  Just kidding, I love Utah and wanted to see my family desperately, but I had left a piece of my heart behind that was so big I didn't think it could be filled again.  As I came down the escalator and saw my family, it was all real.  As I tried to run to them (remember this is a week after surgery)  I hugged them and they could finally see that I was safe and alright.  The surgery I went through really brought my family together, because all of us came together in prayer and faith, and we all relied on the Lord for my safety.  We were a happier family, founded upon the rock of Christ.

Well, I have now been home for a little over three months.  Life is different, very different, from a mission.   I still hold onto my memories of Ecuador and its people, and at times wish I could go back.  I have now started a new phase of life, but it doesn't mean that I have to forget.  According to the certificate that hangs on my bedroom wall, I have "Returned with Honor."  What does that even mean?  It means I have honorably served a full time mission.  Honorably, meaning I tried to be exactly obedient, I loved the people, I came closer to my Savior, and I had a determination to serve him with all my heart, might, mind and strength.  Now that I don't have a missionary tag, it doesn't mean that I should forget what being an honorable missionary means.  We made a covenant when we were baptized to be a witness of God at all times, things and places.  That means being his representative, being his missionary!  There are so many return missionaries that go back to their normal "worldly" lives, and it's not okay!  My life was changed more than I could EVER express because of my mission and me accepting and living the principles I taught everyday.  I am far from perfect, but that is never an excuse to not be better!  I can do it, we can do it!  Through Christ, all is possible, I learned it on my mission, and that eternal truth still burns bright in my heart.